The Not so Cookie Cutter Mom Chronicles

As of 7:45 this morning I’ve seen five different mommy articles from five different moms that were so damn cookie cutter and covered with sugar that I almost puked in my mouth.
Before I go into this post let me just say this about my 8 year old: I love my Hails with every fiber of my being. She is the driving force behind wanting to make this world a better place and trying to change it in the first place. I will protect and defend this little girl with the ferocity of a mama grizzly. Now with that being said, I AM NOT A COOKIE CUTTER MOM!
I will never tell you what I think you want to hear. I will tell you about my experiences as a mother and frankly some of them just down right suck.
That’s right it’s not unicorns and rainbows 24 hours a freaking day people get real.

Below is a list of the shit people fill your head with and the actual reality of the situation:
1. Every woman wants to be a mom. Or needs to be its how she’s made.
Negative ghostwriter the pattern full. There are many women that want nothing to do with kids. Sure they’ll make great aunts, but as far as having their own, they’d rather cut off an arm. I was like that. Hearing a child screaming in a restaurant made me shutter with disgust. Having worked in a restaurant and having to clean up the mess that people let their screaming minions create IS NOT PLEASANT!
Clean up after your kids. I always asked for a broom if Hails made a mess!

2. Pregnancy is beautiful and I loved it!
Who the F are you talking to? Let me tell you about me and my pregnancy. It was misery for probably 7 out of the 9 months. And the other two were only just bearable. I didn’t have morning sickness. I had every waking moment my eyes were open sickness. So sick in fact that I lost weight instead of gain.
Fatigue. Constant fucking fatigue. I didn’t have the energy to climb up a staircase.
Sleep what sleep?! I tossed and turned because my belly was in the way.
You don’t glow. I have no idea where the glowing came from. That sheen you see is SWEAT! I sweated my fucking ass off the whole time.
The only part I enjoyed while pregnant was being able to feel my baby moving and knowing she was safe in my belly.

3. Labor isn’t all bad. Excuse me?! You know I was told that once I held my baby in my arms that I would forget all about labor pains. Hailey is 8 and every time someone tells me I should have another baby I get flashbacks like a bad LSD trip of an alien ripping through my body! I vividly remember labor! I was in it for 17 hours 10 without pain meds and I was on pitocin. The drug that makes your contractions come faster. The devils drug.

4. Every moment of everyday is to be cherished.
Okay, yes especially good moments. But I don’t cherish being puked on, shit on, peed on, sleep deprived, embarrassed at Walmart because she’s decided to throw her behind on the ground and scream as if I was murdering her. I don’t treasure her not sleeping longer than 15 minutes at nap time, not taking showers, falling asleep while pumping because she would never latch on.

5. Breast feeding your baby makes you skinny. If you’re getting this statement from a celebrity mom, she’s also got a personal trainer stashed away who kicks her ass during workouts AND a nanny to keep her baby! At 6 months after having Hails, I weighed 2 pounds more than the day I went in to deliver her. I cut out everything that tasted good and started exercising during my lunch break when I went back to work. That’s how I lost the baby weight.

7. It gets easier as your baby gets older. I am not going to tell you this. Every age has its moments. When Hails was a baby I could just dress her up in whatever I wanted and be done with it. Now, she hates for me to brush her hair, she doesn’t want to wear what I picked out. I literally fight with her most mornings to get her out of bed for school. It’s a battle. I’m not ashamed to admit that my kid has gone to school with her hair looking like a rats nest and dressed like rainbow bright because hey, I got her to school on time.

8. It brings you closer to your other half! For some couples it does. For those who were suffering through turmoil and a stressful relationship it makes it even worse. Period. I knew after having Hails I didn’t want the same things out of life as her dad. I wanted a different kind of person in my life as well. And things ended. A baby won’t fix your existing problems. It will make them worse.

I’m expecting to get some negative feed back from this post and that’s okay. This is MY experience as a parent. I’ve had friends who are at their breaking point with their newborn call me and ask if locking themselves in the bathroom to cry for 5 mins is normal. And yes. It is normal.
The whole point of posting this is to give new moms or soon to be moms a sense of reality. There are so many sugar coated magazines or blogs about mommy hood that make you feel like a failure if you’re not experiencing the same emotions or moments of enlightenment like these other women.
Every baby is different just like every women is. And your experience is unique because its yours.

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